Sexism

Oh, there's still sexism, all right.

I notice it now, over the holidays, when the men
sit around talking or watching TV while the women
clean
cook
and actually
do
WORK.

I'm a woman.
If I don't get up and help,
they'll think I'm rude.

But if I do help, then I give in.

I stand up, walk to the sink, and start scrubbing a plate.

Dying

I'm dying on the inside.

Mostly from the splitting headache and the stress of a history exam tomorrow.

But the real reason is I'm dying
from
life.



D
  y
     i
       n
          g

A day in the life

My life is good.
I have a very, very, very good life.

I just realized this this year.

I was going to list how I am so lucky, but that's not fair to them.



I figured out today that I like two people, one of whom I have a legitimate fear of, for I fear he is going to kill me. The other is really funny and sweet and flirty, but he's that way to everyone. I'm nothing special.



Stress is eating me alive.
I hate you, Dickens.



I am
ATHEIST.
Don't judge me.

Whenever I see someone who's religious, I look at them differently now.


Got asked to the winter ball by someone who can't take a hint. But he called me "really pretty," so that's nice. He bugs me, otherwise.


Friend drama, but not between my friends. Ug. Stop being a hypocrite, I wanted to say, you're the fakey one.



My life is very very good.

Religion

Religion.

It's a topic that drives me insane.

I am atheist, through and through.
I believe in no God.

But religion...
whenever it's mentioned, I feel anger swelling in my chest.

At what?

I have no problem with religious people. All my friends are religious, and I love them.
So what's the problem?

I think it's that people allow themselves to be swayed so easily.
They read the bible, or whatever holy book, and now they believe everything in it.
Or they go to church, or perhaps listen to the pope, and they do whatever the church says.



                                                                                                               walls.
                                                                                                          the
                                                                                                     up
They don't think for themselves! As a logical person, this drives me 
I mean, think about it. Look at the bible. It's filled with unbelievable stories, yet people believe it.
'Cause it's the bible. It's holy.
So if thousands of years ago, I wrote a book about how aliens are dieties and how we should worship them, you would
 believe me? You would worship aliens?

That's a word that bugs me. Worship. I refuse to bow down to anyone. I'm a free person.
 I worship NO ONE. God does not deserve to be worshiped.
He does more harm than good.

Sure, there are good morals in the bible.
 But look how many people were killed for that same bible?
You're saying our "loving" God wants to kill people? I disagree, a real God wouldn't let people kill in His name.

And don't feed me that "we don't always know why God does these things" line. I won't take that crap.


Maybe what's bothering me is religion's air of superiority.
I hate the religions or the people that say that since I don't believe, I need to repent, or go to hell.
I dislike the people who say that even though I don't believe, God still loves me.
I DON'T want God to love me.
I don't believe in God.

I don't understand it! I don't hate religion, and I want to be tolerant of it, even while I'm not religious.

But I'm not!

How do I change this?
It's an internal struggle every time someone brings religion (or politics, different story) up in the conversation.

Help.

The best day

I was playing today.
I am too old to play.
But other people were playing, so I joined in.
It was the best thing I have ever done. I know now I love to play just like any 5 year old.

Oh, it was so fun.

To be 5 again...

My life

Before, I was miserable. Boys and girls alike disliked me.

Now, here I am. I have so many friends, and I aim to keep it that way. I am so happy this way.

And, most importantly, hella guys like me. (I can't say this to anyone with out bragging, which makes me upset because I want to tell people how happy I am now.)

1 - You had me hold your pen and write for you while you grabbed my hand.

2 - You asked me to homecoming.

3 - You take my phone and my things to get my attention.

4 - You dressed nicely because I said you'd look cute, you're really nice to me, and you asked me to be in your movie.

5 - You always ask about me and hang around me.

6 - You liked me before, but since I started hating you, you backed off.

7 - You wanted to "get with me," but I scared you off.

8 - You hug me everyday, you gave me your number, and I've totally caught you sneaking peeks at me.

If I think of more I will add them.

I don't mean to brag.

But I can't, really, because the one guy I like
doesn't like me back. 

10 times less

I am procrastinating, I know.

I need to work.

But I'm having too much fun!

Even the stress isn't reaching me now.

This again?

Oh, I like you. I know I do, or I think I do anyway.

And it seems like you like me.

I like you.

You were flirting with me today, I think.
You were sitting next to me, all stretched out, and you laid your head on my lap.
You touched my nose (in a cute way.)
I think we are flirting. But I can't tell, because this is just your personality.
You act this way to
EVERYONE.

You can't like everyone. So can you please like



me?

Different

Oh, how I liked you.

So cute, so nice. Sweet, adorable, kind, loving.

You've transferred to my school now,
and you've made me hate you.

I can see through the act only because I know the real you,
the true you.

But the true you makes the decision
to put up this facade
and put down everyone, even autistic people,
and insult others' work when they are proud,
and laugh when it's not something to be laughed at,
and to act like you don't care about anything,
and to make like you are too good for me,
for everyone;
you try to impress those who don't care, but you care, I know.

The look on your face as you do these things is so...
idiotic,
I feel bad for you.

You fool them,
and you fool me, even when I know.
I don't like you anymore.
It's your decision to act like that,
instead of letting your real,
likable,
self through.

Your fault and your loss, because I know the you like me.




Or at least I hope you do.
Or at least I want you to.

My Name

My name, to you, is Gabrielle.

I prefer Kexin.

That is my real name, to me.

Lies

You told me
three people liked me.

Last year you said this.

And then you and your friends,
and my friends,
go and taunt and tease me because I am not going to your school next year.

The truth is,
three people did not like me.

You said that to "make me feel good about myself."

BUT NOW THREE PEOPLE DO LIKE ME.

At my own new school, away from you and all our friends.



Away from you and your influence, dragging me to the bottom
where we were ignored by everyone
because of a menial thing called status.

I put up with this;
but I didn't do it because we were friends,
no,
I hated you for your personality.

I had to put up with it.

But then I had a choice, a chance to escape.
I
took
it.

I am FREE.

And now, three people do like me.

And I didn't even have to change.

Sunscreen

I
hate
you.

You feel so thick and horrible and slimy on my skin.

I have to slather you on with a butter knife,
for fear of cancer otherwise.

You clog up my pores and now I have these

BIG

ugly zits all over my face. And they
HURT.

I'm not normally vain,
but these things are the size of spider bites.

Ew.

I hate them on my face.

First time I ever have worn foundation.

Thanks a lot, sunscreen. Look what you've done to me.
Hey, at least I'll be melanoma free.



Maybe.

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Hard to believe that's a word huh?
Someone must have been having fun with that!

Tiger Tamer

Stress.

Oh, how it kills me.

Or nearly kills me.

Sometimes, I get so stressed I wish I was never born.
I hope something will kill me.

I would

never

kill myself,

but if I was run over by a car or got cancer, I wouldn't care.
When I was on the plane flying home, I wasn't scared at all, though normally
planes scare me to death.
I thought that if the plane crashed, I would like that.
It would be fun.

But today, I conquered stress.
I have this really stressful project due, and I finished.

So
happy.

Then, I remember
that I still have
three
more
projects
due
next week,

and I'm ready.

In the same way I was before finishing project one.

Ready for the end.
 

Nazis

Today on the radio,
I heard a story about Greece.

There are Nazis in Greece, but they go by
"The Golden Dawn."

Sounds happy, no?

But they are Nazis.

The people know they are Nazis,
but they elect them anyway.

The Golden Dawn denies that they are Nazis.
But they wear black shirts with a symbol similar to the swastika, and they chant the slogan of the Nazis.
And they kill.

One of them said, if a teenage boy decides to put on a black shirt and kill in the name of the Golden Dawn, that is not our fault. We did not tell him to do it. He just did.

Nazis.

Time for a revolution, Greece.

Thoughts on Pain

Today I hurt my knee.

Whenever I move it,
I gasp in pain.

I know it's nothing compared to other people's pain,
but it is my pain,
and therefore,
it hurts
ten
times
worse.

I might be selfish saying that,
but you all know it's the truth.

Our pain is always worse than anyone else's.

Locked out

I am locked out of my house.
I sit outside, my fingers
so
cold
I can barely manipulate the keys.

My sister almost saw me, but she didn't.

So here I am,

with no key,

and freezing fingers

and a warm coat.
The wind blows, but my jacket protects me.

Only my fingers are exposed, and they pay the price.

Today I learned...

That the real world sucks.

And people are worse than dogs.

This will be the death of me.

I'll try to help you.

I read your story.
It's about a suicidal girl
from a rich family, like you.
Who has everything, like you.
Whose family threatens to disown her, like you.
Whose father doesn't love her, like you?

If everything in the story relates to you

are you

suicidal?



And then you tell me that your dad
beats you
and your mom.

Are you trying to get attention?

Either way, I have to tell. Someone, anyone.

But if both of you
                  lied,
then...



what?

Truth

Sometimes, I can't tell what's real,
and what's not.

Who's lying,
and who's telling the truth.

And it makes me worry about you.

I need you.

I tried Facebook.

That was enough to show me that social networks, how should I put it, suck.

Why should I play at a game I can never win?

I created this blog many months ago to write a book, and promptly forgot about it. I wasn't getting any views anyway.

But none of that matters now. I will not check my views.

This space is for me, and just the chance that someone might read what I write and take interest is enough.

Thank you.

I really need this.